


Crime Scene Blues

by pluto



Category: Phoenix Wright
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-04
Updated: 2010-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-08 20:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/79307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluto/pseuds/pluto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gumshoe is assigned to give Miles Edgeworth a refresher on crime scene procedure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crime Scene Blues

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foxysquid](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=foxysquid).



> Unbetaed. This is a thank you fic for [](http://foxysquid.livejournal.com/profile)[**foxysquid**](http://foxysquid.livejournal.com/), who has beta read so many of my stories recently and been an amazing cheerleader and writing friend. I owe Foxy much more than this wee, silly story! The police "procedure" in this is so fake and wrong that I can barely stand it, but it's Phoenix Wright so, er, well, nuff said.

Miles Edgeworth glared icily across the desk at Chief Prosecutor Lana Skye. "I've been ordered to _what_?"

"I'm sorry, Edgeworth," Chief Prosecutor Skye said, "But we've received three complaints about your conduct while at a crime scene, especially about your handling of evidence. You know that means you're required to--"

"Please," Edgeworth said, looking pained, "I have no real desire to hear that order spoken aloud ever again."

Skye turned towards the other man in the room, one Detective Dick Gumshoe, who, despite his very conspicuous looks, was trying to blend in with the back wall as much as possible. "Well, then, Detective, if you understand what you're required to do..."

"Yeah, I mean, yes, ma'am, I do. Er-- That is, I think I do, ma'am."

Skye raised her eyebrows. "You do, or you don't?"

"Well, if you could maybe repeat it just one more time, just so I'm absolutely sure, ma'am--" Gumshoe caught Edgeworth's death glare and winced. "Sorry. I just, er, I was thinking about lunch--"

Edgeworth's mouth became a very thin line. The Chief Prosecutor, on the other hand, had a slight, very slight, quirk to her lips.

"Since Mr. Edgeworth has been having trouble remembering crime scene protocol, I need you to accompany him down to the scene of the Redpack assault and review with him proper procedure before monitoring him for the rest of the afternoon."

"Ah, right! Got it, pal. Er. Chief Prosecutor. Ma'am." Gumshoe threw an arm around Edgeworth's shoulders. "Don't worry, pal, we'll get you all straightened out."

Edgeworth's look could have melted steel.

***

Edgeworth looked on in disdain as Gumshoe emerged from the beaten-up police cruiser like a bear exiting a clown car. Edgeworth had been waiting for the detective for an hour, and he was furious; Lana Skye had phoned ahead, and none of the officers on scene had been willing to let him on site without Gumshoe escorting him.

Rust sprinkled the ground when Gumshoe slammed his car door shut.

"So, pal, this is gonna be fun, huh?"

"Clearly," Edgeworth said, his arms crossed tightly across his chest, "your concept of 'fun' and mine differ drastically."

"Gee, really? I always thought fun is fun. I mean, like, everybody likes having snowball fights or playing checkers, right?"

"Where were you?" Edgeworth demanded. "The coroner has come and gone, and I don't recognize any of the CS officers--they wouldn't let me in to supervise evidence collection. They've probably ruined things already."

Gumshoe wasn't listening; he was digging in the pockets of his none-too-clean overcoat.

Edgeworth snapped, "What are you looking for?"

"My notepad--" Gumshoe stuck out his tongue as he reached in deeper into the pocket and wriggled his fingers around. "Oh hey, pal, look at this! I didn't know I still had it." He pulled his hand out, clutching a half-eaten candy bar, the opened end of the wrapper carefully folded and rolled. Gumshoe undid this neat work so fast that even Edgeworth was mildly impressed. He was unimpressed, however, when Gumshoe then shoved the exposed, bitten-off piece of candy into his face. "Want some?"

Edgeworth made a repulsed noise in the back of his throat. "Absolutely not." He watched as Gumshoe shrugged, then took a big bite of the candy bar. Gumshoe smacked his lips as if were imported chocolate. Miles frowned. "And is it really 'proper procedure' to be eating at a crime scene investigation?"

Gumshoe paused, and then shrugged. "Sorry, pal, I had to skip lunch, oh, and breakfast, because you see, I was trying to--"

Edgeworth narrowed his eyes, and Gumshoe swallowed. He jerked his thumb towards the garden gate festooned with yellow "CAUTION" tape. "Uh, anyway, they found the body through there, pa--sir. Wanna go take a look?"

"Please," Edgeworth said, his tone ice-edged. "Lead the way."

Gumshoe quickly folded up the candy bar wrapper, buried it in his pocket and rushed ahead.

The body had been found floating face-first in a shallow, but large fish pond. Two officers who looked only slightly more qualified than Gumshoe were puttering around the crime scene, taking measurements with no direction Edgeworth could discern. Edgeworth could see the imprints of their boots all over the crime scene; he felt his temper rising. If they had arrived on time, if he had control of this investigation, if he wasn't stuck following Gumshoe around--

Gumshoe stumbled over a rock. His heel skidded in the mud and he teetered at the edge of the pond. Change scattered into the water with a plish-plish-plish!

"Noooo!" Gumshoe fell to his knees and started groping around in the water.

"What are you doing!" Edgeworth reached for Gumshoe, horrified.

"That's my supper money, pal! My ramen! My delicious freeze-dried toppings! If I can just find another quarter I can at least get--"

"You're destroying the crime scene!"

"But my supper!" Gumshoe's bottom lip wibbled. "My supper, pal. I'll have to starve again! Three days without eating! Sir, it's inhuman!"

"You mean, inhumane."

"Yeah, that! But--"

"No, no more!" Edgeworth held up a hand. He shut his eyes and took several very deep, calming breaths. When he finally opened them, he smiled, ever so slightly. "Chief Prosecutor Skye thinks you're a good example for me? Very well. I will follow your example. Now, detective, is there a vending machine nearby?"

***

The Chief Prosecutor stared. She had never seen Miles Edgeworth so grubby, so unshaven, so ... covered in bits of food. She had long suspected he couldn't grow facial hair, but that was obviously an incorrect assumption.

"Is that ramen?" she asked, pointing to a little something clinging to the lapel of the ragged jacket he was wearing.

"Yes. Er, I mean, yeah. Pal."

She narrowed her eyes slightly. "Did you just call me 'pal,' Prosecutor Edgeworth?"

"Indeed I did. Pal."

She fetched the evidence bag he had laid on her desk. It was covered in smudges of what she assumed was chocolate. "And this?"

"Oh, it's very important evidence. Pal."

"It appears," she said, coolly, "to be a candy wrapper."

"So it would seem. Pal. Detective Gumshoe insisted it was the most out-of-place item on scene. He insisted it pointed directly to the murderer. Pal."

"And there were fingerprints on it? Detective Gumshoe's fingerprints?"

"As you say." Edgeworth seemed so pleased with this that he forgot to tack on "pal," a small mercy for which Lana Skye was supremely grateful.

"And that would be why Detective Gumshoe is now in custody?"

"Indeed, pal."

Skye sighed and shook her head. "All right, Miles. I get your point. Now go get Gumshoe out of jail and then take a damn shower. And never bring those clothes into this office ever again. Ever."

"That an order, pal?"

"Yes!"

If she didn't know better, Skye would have sworn Edgeworth was laughing as he left her office.


End file.
